Making It Rain Resumes

I was at JCPenney a few weeks ago sauntering around the men’s department.

I was in the market for some new dress pants. It’s hard when you look for sizes with a 40 inch waist and 34 length. At that size, you’re definitely shopping in the Husky section. Hashtag tall guy problems.

Near me were two women folding clothes and talking to each other about job searches. One was younger and one woman was middle aged.

This is what retail people do. Retail is such shit. The hours are shit, the customers are shit and the result is the people who work there give zero fucks.

Anyways, the younger girl was talking about her friend who just quit her job to accept a new offer, but the offer was too low, so she didn’t take it and didn’t have any job.

Great story.

The older woman literally said this word for word:

‘Once I get my computer up and running again, I’m going to be resume-ing left and right.’

I had to laugh at this for a few reasons. One was who the fuck has to get a computer up and running? If it’s running that slow, its “resume-ing” days are over. What do you own? A Gateway 2000?

The last time I had an ultra slow computer, I just bit the bullet and bought a new desktop.

Back in the day, it was a 2009 Dell, and fully loaded with Windows Vista. Dude, I bought a Dell.

AND the main reason I pulled the trigger was at the time the economy was deep in the shitter and my old laptop from college was trash. I thought in case I lost my job, I’d at least have a faster computer for job searches.

The older woman added how she saw a job on LinkedIn related to “medical stuff.”

She described how she had a friend who worked in a medical office and all they did was “check people in.” She said, ‘I could do that.’

I’m sure she could, but there’s one problem (other than aiming super low)… After working in business for a decade now, I can tell you unless she knows somebody at that office, she won’t get the job.

I’ve done it myself where I’ve just made it rain resumes all day, applying for jobs left and right.

I’ve had days, where I found the perfect job on paper, spent HOURS getting the wording right on my resume and cover letter, double checking the spelling, just to email it to a black hole where I never heard from anyone.

At the end of the day the only thing that worked was I knew somebody who knew the person who was hiring.

I’ve had 5 jobs since high school and with 4 of them, I got a job where I met the interviewer through a friend.

There was only one job where I didn’t have any introductions, and the hiring manager honestly just liked my sales experience, which took years of successes and failures to build up.

And ultimately, THAT job expanded my personal network by a lot, and led me to my next job.

You can send out resumes until you’re blue in the face, but the real progress is all with who you know.

With all the Facebook and LinkedIn connections people have, if someone’s looking for a new job, I’m sure you can find the right people to connect with.

You can work harder or work smarter, and it’s 100% up to you how you spend your time.

Starbucks

9 out of 10 times, if someone is posting about a business, it’s usually a complaint.

A friend of a friend of mine prides herself on being an elite status gold member on Yelp or whatever it’s called, and if a waitress so much as looks at her wrong, she writes a novel of a bad review.

It’s times like this I remind myself that social media isn’t bad, just the majority of people who go surfing and trolling on there every 5 minutes.

I remember there was this dude on LinkedIn literally complaining about McDonald’s, and how their customer service was so terrible, when all he ordered was a $1 cone at their drive thru.

I didn’t even know they made those anymore. Like no shit man, it’s fucking McDonald’s. What did you expect? The Ritz Carlton?

On my lunch break last week, I went to my local Starbucks and got my usual order. It’s a tall pike with cream and sugar, that’s it. Nothing frilly, foofy or unicorn colored about it. I just like bold coffee.

One afternoon I ordered it, and the guy literally said, ‘Okay that was my easiest order of the day.’

No shit guy, because everybody orders fucking large 500 calorie milkshakes there, not coffee.

So I ordered my usual one day, and the Starbucks guy was like, ‘We don’t have any Pike, we just have a dark roast, I’m really sorry, is that OK?’ He pre-emptively apologized as if I was going to whip him in the face.

Now that I actually thought of his apology in advance, the people that go to Starbucks have to be savage. Retail is brutal on the human body.

Studies say retail takes 5 years off your life.

Or that’s how I feel about working retail anyways. The stress just isn’t worth it.

Anyways, I wasn’t too particular about my coffee, so I said yeah sure whatever that’s fine.

They actually went so far as to make the actual brew that I wanted.

And as I was waiting, they checked on me and said, ‘Really sorry about the wait, it’ll just be a few minutes.’

Like no man, once you hand me that coffee, I gotta go back to work. The longer you take, the longer my break.

When it was done they handed me my cup. Not only was it a size larger, but they also gave me a gift card for waiting.

The gift card said, ‘the next one’s on us’, as if it was code for, ‘Thanks for not being one of our shit fit customers or a cabal of secret Yelp reviewers who troll us on the internet.’

The moral of the story is, don’t be a fucking dick. You might get free shit on top of some free shit.

Interesting epilogue to this story. I watch Twitch because I’m a video game nerd, and have nothing better to do than watch other people play games.

One of the Twitch streamers I watch used to be a barista at Starbucks for a few years. He also described his customers as savage. One woman who would walk in, was homeless and would wash her hair in the toilet.

Anyways on his stream, he told the story that after he quit Starbucks, he had these horrible caffeine withdrawal headaches.

It wasn’t because he drank too much coffee at Starbucks. He handled so many pounds of coffee at work, it absorbed through his skin!

He had terrible headaches for weeks. No amount of coffee he drank would get rid of them for a while.

Retail man. It’s fuckin brutal.

Karma

I had a meeting with my lawyer at the beginning of this week.

Nothing terrible, just going over estate planning stuff. Boring stuff that you have to do when you start a family.

I almost wish I did something to deserve going to a lawyer though. Maybe blow up a farm cow or something. Just to tell a cooler story.

Anyways, so I’m waiting in a big fancy conference room, that probably is worth my entire yearly salary, and I’m feeling pretty insignificant in the universe right now.

I think every law office on the planet has this conference room. There’s a big screen TV hanging on the wall that’s bigger than the one in my living room, there’s a long ass table of fine Asian wood, there’s nice comfy chairs that are worth thousands of dollars each, and my lawyer makes me wait in this room until they are good and ready. Obviously a power move.

Normally I like to give as much value as I can to people. I like to make them laugh, I like to help them with things, because I feel if I do something good, the good will get returned to me later on.

I didn’t do that in this conference room though.

For some reason, I really didn’t want to be there, because I knew I would end up paying this lawyer at least over a thousand dollars. All I was thinking about was all the money that this meeting was gonna cost me.

In this conference room I saw stack of K-Cups and a Keurig machine. I don’t know what came over me, but I treated the K-Cups like they were hotel room shampoo and I just took a handful of them.

If I had any thought my brain, it was, this lawyer is certainly not gonna miss THESE.

So I took the K-Cups, stuffed them in my coat pocket, and I sat back down at the big fancy conference table of truth and justice before the lawyer came in to see me. My palms were sweaty as if I was trying to unhook a girl’s bra for the first time.

And like anybody who’s ever stolen anything, they’ve always described a thrill or a rush after they did it. And that’s exactly what I felt.

And like anyone else who did anything bad, they’ve always tried to justify it, like ‘Oh those K-Cups only cost two dollars, I’m sure the lawyer can afford it.’

So the lawyer finally came in, and we had a meeting for about 45 minutes. I showed them all my documents, and they told me they were going to work on an even bigger mega legal document worth well over $1,000 at least.

When the meeting was done, I put my coat on, put my hands in my pockets, completely forgot that the K-Cups were in there, and I hoped to God they didn’t fall out. Feeling a tinge of guilt, I walked out of the super expensive conference room of solid gold dreams.

I got back to my car, pulled the K-Cups out, and wouldn’t you fuckin know it… Both cups that I grabbed were Decaf. Instant karma. What a terrible feeling. I stole something and couldn’t even enjoy it.

I guess they don’t leave the good coffee in the conference room for just any Tom, Dick and Harry to take. In my 30+ years on the planet, I should’ve known better, but I couldn’t help myself. Now I just stole K-Cups that I weren’t even going to use.

In order to live with myself, I had to make it right. I couldn’t just steal decaf shit and NOT make it right.

I walked into the cafeteria at work, bellied right up to our Keurig machine, and gave away the 2 stolen K-Cups. It was the least I could do to balance out the universe.

Only a true coffee lover would understand. Mornings are brutal for me, and I need strong coffee to survive. The universe knew what I wanted, but it also knew that I did something wrong, so the punishment for the crime.

The lesson was learned, but I took it a step further and turned a bad deed into a good one.

Facebook Memes

I was at a training at work last week and the class got a little off topic

Some executive started talking about a rumor about how Facebook was secretly listening in on other peoples’ conversations through a phone’s mic. Then it would take those conversations and show ads related to what was said.

I’ve heard of this before and maybe the other people in the group had, but the training suddenly got derailed.

Suddenly people couldn’t stop talking about how Facebook was listening to everything they were doing. It was such a hot topic.

These people literally made more than I did and some were older than me by a decade, but they were telling each other to either uninstall the app from their phone, or just not have it open.

It made me miss the good old days of Facebook, when it was just college students. Now peoples’ loser moms are logged on just going nuts.

Is all this Facebook spying true? I don’t know.

I’ve typed stuff into Google and then all of a sudden, wouldn’t you know it, Facebook gave me an ad for something that I searched the day before.

I started researching wedding stuff and I ended up seeing ads for tuxedos and engagement rings on my Facebook.

There’s no doubt about it, Facebook is definitely selling info to advertisers based on searches.

The whole listening thing though, I don’t really know that’s true and I don’t really care.

Let’s just say for the sake of the argument, that Facebook is actually listening to every conversation in the world…

There’s like 1 billion Facebook users. Do you know how much fucking data Facebook would be collecting everyday?

And THEN you have to crunch that data and deliver it to advertisers.

I don’t know about you, but that just seems like a lot of work.

And what’s scarier? Facebook listening to your every day conversations or Facebook mining through your whole entire Internet history?

Just think of all the porn you watched, or all the things you searched that you really don’t want people to know about.

I’ll tell you, even if Facebook could do it, they wouldn’t be interested in your conversations with people. They’re more interested in your secret thoughts. Thoughts equal buying decisions, not small talk.

I will tell you though, Facebook has taken a backseat on my phone lately and it wasn’t because of privacy issues.

What people don’t talk about is Facebook is just a giant fucking time suck. It’s already cost me hours of productivity time that I can’t get back.

All the times I wish I was reading a good book, or spending time with my family? Gone.

All that scrolling and nothing on the site is ever that interesting anyways.

I didn’t delete my account. I’m not one of those people who decide they’ve had enough of Facebook, get butt hurt, delete it, but then months later, they return. That’s a never ending, vicious cycle.

I haven’t deleted my account, but I do check it twice a day. Once in the morning and then once at night to see if there’s any notifications, and that’s it.

And I don’t miss it at all.

I remember two years ago I went on a cruise and we didn’t pay for Wi-Fi, so I just went without Facebook for a week.

By the end of the week, I remember feeling the fear that I was missing out on some big news, AKA FOMO.

But by the time I got all caught up on my news feed, there was no big payoff. I didn’t feel like I missed out.

So my challenge to you: Start your day and check Facebook.

And then don’t do it. All day.

It’ll hurt like hell. You’ll want to check to see if you’re tagged in anything.

You’ll be standing in line somewhere waiting, being bored and wanting to scroll through your feed…

One of your co-workers will ask you, ‘Did you see what happened to Tim? Holy shit!’ And you’ll want to check it.

But hold off until later that night just before you go to bed. It’ll hurt…

But you’ll be amazed at how much you DIDN’T miss.

Your battery life on your phone will last longer because you aren’t checking it every 10 minutes…

You won’t miss major plot points during Netflix shows because you won’t be scrolling through something else.

Conversations at dinners will increase by 60 percent.

You get the hint. Less Facebook in your life.

It’s for loser Moms anyways.

I saw an ad on Facebook recently.

It said, ‘The Average CEO reads 60 books a year.’

MentorBox Facebook Ad

It ended up being an ad for the subscription service called MentorBox. It delivers popular business books to subscribers every month.

But don’t we have enough of these monthly subscriptions?

We have monthly subscriptions for snacks and dinners, movies, make-up, clothes and now books are on the list. Holy shit.

Every one of these businesses is the ‘Netflix of _____’ fill in the blank.

First of all that headline is a larger than life bold claim.

Your average CEO doesn’t have time to read 60 books a year. They’re too busy operating a God damn business.

If they run a million or billion dollar business, their day-to-day duties include endless meetings, hiring, scaling their business, etc. Just a lot of time consuming activities that honestly aren’t fun.

Most of the time, they start their day before their employees are even up, and they don’t stop working once they’re home. They don’t even have time to eat right, or spend quality time with their own families.

But according to this ad’s sales copy, most of them have time to curl up with a good book? Give me a break!

Trust me, my Dad owned his own business.

Even though he had a bookshelf full of books in his office, he admitted to me that even he didnt read all of them. He also worked 12 hours a day and barely had time for hobbies or friends, much less ONE book.

I honestly think the last book he read was the first Harry Potter book that came out, and he took weeks to finish it. According to him, there were too many characters to remember.

Plus, do you know how much work it is to read more than a book a week?

Let’s say your average book is 200 pages. That’s 40-50 pages a night before it’s onto the next book. After all, your CEO has a 60 book a year quota to hit.

Another thing that seems off about this service is there’s no price listed on the MentorBox site at all.

If you go on Netflix, they will give you the different subscription prices on the home page. For MentorBox, you have to type in your email and become a member before you even get a price. My guess is that involves a lot of email spam.

As I googled this company I noticed something. Guess who owns a good portion of MentorBox?

Tai Lopez

This guy. Yep. Tai Lopez. Most likely, you’ve seen him on a YouTube ad or two.

The guy who happens to have all those books in the same garage as his sports cars. Who’s all about preaching, ‘The more you learn, the more you earn.’

Anyways check out these tweets:

MentorBox Tweet

MentorBox Tweet

Jesus. A 15-year-old kid who pays $80 a month for books? What kind of money is HE making?

Speaking of books. What do libraries cost these days?

What about books on Amazon? Did you know there’s a Kindle Unlimited subscription that is going for $9.99 a month and you can read over a million books?

Anyways, what do I know? I don’t know what CEO’s do, but I guess I just have better things to do with my time.

Ron Swanson Fourth Of July

So here’s what ticked me off.

This Fourth of July weekend wasn’t really a weekend at all. It was a weekend, but then there was an awkward Monday where we had to go to work, and then another day off.

That awkward Monday, really messed things up.

It’s like the people of America got to party and really get down for one night only, but then we had to behave because Monday was around the corner, but after THAT, there’s a national holiday around the corner.

That really interrupted a lot of good times and shenanigans.

Have you ever tried to get a good night’s sleep but then you woke up at around 3 AM, and had trouble getting back to sleep. Then by the next day you were tired?

That’s what this past weekend was like. And it’s not like that Monday was really a full day of work for people. About half the office was actually in the office, and then the other half was still out partying like Monday wasn’t even a thing.

The people who were in the office like me, we weren’t even productive. We all just kind of sat there universally and half assed it.

The only real benefits to coming in were better parking and no traffic jams. That was it.

Anybody who called me on the phone and really wanted something from me sure as hell didn’t get it.

Because in my head I felt, Why is this motherfucker calling me? Are they really asking me for something before THE Motherfucking Fourth of July?

I saw somebody in the hallway who plays on our softball team and I asked her, ‘Hey, how was your holiday weekend?’ But then it was awkward because we didn’t have a holiday weekend. So then I had to correct myself and add ‘…even though The Fourth of July hasn’t even happened yet, hahaha.’ Way to play shit off.

I know what companies are thinking. They’re thinking it’s bad enough enough we have to give employees a certain number of days off because of holidays like the Fourth of July, Christmas, etc.

The government made us give employees those days off and we’re already losing money on those days. But if we give them more days off like Mondays right before holidays, we lose even more money.

So we better have them come in on that Monday. At least we won’t lose money.

That thinking just doesn’t make any sense at all, but that’s how employers think.

Meanwhile I’m sure all the higher-ups in that business are all on vacation that whole week anyways, never checking their email and letting other people do their grunt work. And the people who do come in just end up being resentful. Not a win-win situation.

A few years ago, I used to work for a trade association and every year, employers would fight the state because the government wanted to pass laws to give more paid family leave time to parents who just had a kid.

Their whole stick up their ass was if parents had more time off with their newborn children at home and got paid for it, businesses would lose out, and it will be “devastating” for the industry.

This is actually what groups of business owners and their lawyers would tell elected politicians. And they would beat this drum for months and even years. It’s nuts.

If I were an employer, I would just pay my employees for that awkward Monday off. Even though I’d be losing money upfront.

At least, I would know they would come back into work the next day, well rested. Maybe they even got laid, we hungover, whatever they were into. But they wouldn’t feel resentful with bad feelings. I know they would be ready to go.

Plus they’re a valuable employee, who is the biggest asset to my business. If you’re a business that makes fucking millions, or even billions of dollars, what’s an extra day off cost? Nothing.

As for me, why didn’t I just take the day off? I’m in the middle of planning a week and a half long epic vacation later this year, so I need to earn every day off that I can get.

Plus if I can walk into work, get stuff done while nobody’s there, have fun, go home, get drunk and fool around like Tuesday is an extra Friday… Sure, why not?