I had a meeting with my lawyer at the beginning of this week.
Nothing terrible, just going over estate planning stuff. Boring stuff that you have to do when you start a family.
I almost wish I did something to deserve going to a lawyer though. Maybe blow up a farm cow or something. Just to tell a cooler story.
Anyways, so I’m waiting in a big fancy conference room, that probably is worth my entire yearly salary, and I’m feeling pretty insignificant in the universe right now.
I think every law office on the planet has this conference room. There’s a big screen TV hanging on the wall that’s bigger than the one in my living room, there’s a long ass table of fine Asian wood, there’s nice comfy chairs that are worth thousands of dollars each, and my lawyer makes me wait in this room until they are good and ready. Obviously a power move.
Normally I like to give as much value as I can to people. I like to make them laugh, I like to help them with things, because I feel if I do something good, the good will get returned to me later on.
I didn’t do that in this conference room though.
For some reason, I really didn’t want to be there, because I knew I would end up paying this lawyer at least over a thousand dollars. All I was thinking about was all the money that this meeting was gonna cost me.
In this conference room I saw stack of K-Cups and a Keurig machine. I don’t know what came over me, but I treated the K-Cups like they were hotel room shampoo and I just took a handful of them.
If I had any thought my brain, it was, this lawyer is certainly not gonna miss THESE.
So I took the K-Cups, stuffed them in my coat pocket, and I sat back down at the big fancy conference table of truth and justice before the lawyer came in to see me. My palms were sweaty as if I was trying to unhook a girl’s bra for the first time.
And like anybody who’s ever stolen anything, they’ve always described a thrill or a rush after they did it. And that’s exactly what I felt.
And like anyone else who did anything bad, they’ve always tried to justify it, like ‘Oh those K-Cups only cost two dollars, I’m sure the lawyer can afford it.’
So the lawyer finally came in, and we had a meeting for about 45 minutes. I showed them all my documents, and they told me they were going to work on an even bigger mega legal document worth well over $1,000 at least.
When the meeting was done, I put my coat on, put my hands in my pockets, completely forgot that the K-Cups were in there, and I hoped to God they didn’t fall out. Feeling a tinge of guilt, I walked out of the super expensive conference room of solid gold dreams.
I got back to my car, pulled the K-Cups out, and wouldn’t you fuckin know it… Both cups that I grabbed were Decaf. Instant karma. What a terrible feeling. I stole something and couldn’t even enjoy it.
I guess they don’t leave the good coffee in the conference room for just any Tom, Dick and Harry to take. In my 30+ years on the planet, I should’ve known better, but I couldn’t help myself. Now I just stole K-Cups that I weren’t even going to use.
In order to live with myself, I had to make it right. I couldn’t just steal decaf shit and NOT make it right.
I walked into the cafeteria at work, bellied right up to our Keurig machine, and gave away the 2 stolen K-Cups. It was the least I could do to balance out the universe.
Only a true coffee lover would understand. Mornings are brutal for me, and I need strong coffee to survive. The universe knew what I wanted, but it also knew that I did something wrong, so the punishment for the crime.
The lesson was learned, but I took it a step further and turned a bad deed into a good one.